Today has been a hectic day...too much to do....not enough time to do it in.....and too worn out! Anyhoo...tomorrow I am shooting a wedding on a yacht......that should be interesting! I have not done a wedding since my back surgery. Weddings are a LOT of work, but I enjoy being a part of such a special day and giving a couple a way to remember their day forever! Thankfully this wedding will only be about 7 hours of shooting, and I can edit from my Dormia next week! I wish I had an assistant to come along and help carry all the equipment!


I can hardly believe that on August 5th I will be ONE YEAR post op!!! Time flys when you are havin' fun....huh? I go for my post op appt on August 3rd. I am feeling a bit nervous about that. I am PRAYING that I am 100% fused so there is NO reason to re-do the surgery!! Last year the surgeon told me that he may remove the screws when I was one year post op.....but unless he feels that it HAS to be done then I am gonna just leave them all alone!! God knows that I do not want to go through that again!!


There has been a WHOOOOOLE lot going on in my life these past few months. My life has been crazy! I am excited about some of the changes, mourning the loss of some things, but confident that I am doing what is best for me and my family at this time. I have learned so much about myself and who I am deep inside. You know what I realize is that I take the blame (or put blame on myself) when I SHOULD be standing up for myself. I always thought I was the type of person who would not let anyone "push me around"....but in reality I have allowed myself to be pushed around most of my life....without even knowing it! I know that there is a time to be respectful, quiet, and gentle....but I have allowed "stuff" to be turned around on me and taken the blame for things that I had every reason to be mad, upset, hurt over. I am REALLY working hard on getting over the "guilt complex" that have carried around my whole life. It is both liberating and devastating. Not everyone wants to hear what I have to say, and NO one wants to take the blame for ANYthing! So, if I give up the guilt.....that means someone else has to face their own "issues" and take responsibility. That is a hard pill to swallow. Does that make sense? Brett has been a huge help with trying to support me through this "journey", he has encouraged me to "let go" of the guilt and he has validated my feelings about many things. I am also grateful for my Pastor's wife, Sister Susan. She has embraced me, she has listened to me and she has been an awesome "sounding board". She has also made me feel validated in MANY things! One day I hope to get to the point where I just trust myself and let go of the guilt and validate myself!
Anyhoo....I really need to take a shower already! I worked out this morning and it is now 3:30 pm and I have still not had time to shower...yuck! I still have lots to get ready for the wedding tomorrow. If you think of it, say a prayer for me!! I will need God's strength and creativity to get through the day!

Summer.....we're off and running!

I just love lazy summer days!! No need to rush through my coffee in the morning, no need to get in bed by 10:30 pm.....just love it! Today I took a long nap......and I did not have to cut it short because of school letting out! I enjoy having the kids home with me all day too (....most days :).

I wanted to catch everyone up since we were off the computer for so long! Where to start? As a PROUD Mother I have to start with the awards that our kids got this year! Brooke made honor roll (all As and Bs)...(for the whole year!) and she was one of 2 kids, in the whole school, who got an award for being so "respectful". She got a beautiful plaque with her name engraved on it!! Maddie got Principal's list (all As)...(all year long!)! She also got an award for academic excellence in EVERY subject! She was also given the HIGHEST award ever given at their school..."The Eagle Award", which is only given to one child per class (and only one child in the entire middle school and one child in high school). Anyhoo, she got it for her grades and her Christian character!! She got a beautiful glass trophy with her name etched in it! One of the Dads at the award ceremony joked that Maddie was gonna need a whole room just for all her awards! Spencer got awards for improvement, conduct and Science. I am so proud of all three of my "babies"!!





I am STILL playing the "waiting game" for my surgery!! My insurance company now has 30 business days to give me a response! I am trying really hard to trust God with the whole thing...but I must admit I have become impatient! If my Insurance co denies me then I have to question my decision on going through with the "tummy tuck" anyway. I know I have said that for once in my life I am gonna do the "irresponsible" and "selfish" thing......but I do not know if I can bring myself to do that! I have always walked that "straight line".....my whole life. IF I can come up with the rest of the money for the hospital/anesthesia then I will go forward....I am doing really well, I have about 1/2 of the money needed for those things. I am praying in the rest! At first I struggled with guilt....even asking God for that, when there are so many other needs in this world........but, I realized that God cares about EVERY aspect of my life and HE knows my heart and how much I desire this! He cares about the major issues AND the "minor" issues in our lives...nothing too big or too small! Although.....I'd have to classify this need as a major one...in my life at least. I know that most people do not understand.....but I remind myself that GOD knows my heart. I spoke with an older, wiser woman about this issue....and once I showed her my part of stomach, she said "honey...you have got to do whatever you have to do to get that taken care of"! Even I was shocked by that answer...perhaps if you knew who she was, you would be too ;) Anyhoo...not sure how I got here from where I started in this post.....ramblin' on I guess! Well, I made crab cakes for supper.....they are just about ready and I need to get the table set!! Hope you are all having a blessed summer!!

2:54 am

It is now 2:54 am as I type this. I am up this late (or early!) for 2 reasons. #1 being that I fell asleep early last night (thanks to that new prescription the doc ordered my to take 4 times a day!-NOT happening again!) and #2...since I did not get to see the election results, I was tossing and turning (in dread..fearing the worse), so I figured I just get up and look for myself. I think it is a sad....sad day in American. I can not express how disappointed I am in our country and the "Christians" who helped vote in such an evil man (yep.....I said it! EVIL! All you have to do is take ONE look into his eyes, with the discernment of a..........tree!). Now what? I pray that God has mercy on His people. And I pray that we are not here much longer to see the results of such a tragic decision our fellow Americans have made! God was not surprised by last night's election...... I am going to look at this as our pastor does...he said that GOD appoints leaders-it is there..in the Bible. However, on Sunday, our pastor said....(I am not quoting him-but giving you an idea of what he said)-He could appoint one who He uses to continue to pour out His mercy or He could appoint the one He uses to pour out His judgement. I guess God has had ENOUGH! Can you blame Him? Slam me if you want to.....I am really not up for debate!


it is NOW 8:17am...I have thought about the situation our country is in and I am enraged by everything I see or hear from the media-so I turned the TV off! Several things anger me....#1 being how everyone keeps saying Obama will be our first "black" president-when we could just as easily say he is a "white" president...right? Half is half now matter which side of the half you are on! I am not racist IN ANY WAY...if you know the work that Brett and I have done in the inner cities of our area..you would be assured of that! But...I have found myself becoming more and more angry over this whole mess and that is one thing that I would like to remind everyone! This election should NOT have been about race...if I had voted simply because a candidate was white...that would make me racist! And if you voted for a candidate simply because he was 1/2 black....that would make YOU a racist! So, I have been praying (for weeks now) for God to help me see the situation through HIS eyes and not allow me to become bitter.......or racist (that was really tough for me to say!). This morning...I felt like I got an answer from Him. God spoke to me and told me to hate the SIN not the sinner...to hate the blindness, not the people who are deceiving! People really are blinded and I am asking God to break my heart for them, and to help me pray for them to have their eyes opened. The Bible says "be angry and sin not"...well-I am furious and I am asking God to help me direct that anger to the SIN of our nation...not to the people who are the sinners!

I came across this saying in one of my old college journals and I thought that it summed up the "what really matters" blog below. "In the questionable things let there be liberty; In the important things let there be unity. In all things-let there be love." I can not remember who said it, or where I even got it from, but I think that it is appropriate.

What really matters

Ok-I already know that my family is....well...."different". I get that. And I realize that I do not "fit the mold". I am ok with that too. What I do not understand is why other people are so caught up in things that really do not matter. Let me back up a little and say (for those of you who may not know)-I was in a car accident in 2004-it changed my life and how I view the world around me. In a matter of seconds my life could have been taken (thank God for seat belts!! USE them!). It was after my accident that the doctors found the tumor in my spine-I was shifted from doctor to doctor-test after test, and it took months to find out that I did not have cancer. Dealing with all of it really put my life into perspective and I realized that a lot of what we think "matters" really has no impact on our lives. Most of the things that we fret over and worry about-mean nothing in a life or death situation. I no longer worry about the small stuff, you WILL see me in Wal Mart with my hair pulled up, wearing no make up. You may see my kids (or me!) with pink hair, or chunky blond highlights. You will definitely find me wearing jeans on a Sunday morning (gasp!)-or even capris-with my tattoo proudly displayed! You will see video of me, my family, or my husband acting crazy-dancing to Toby Mac. None of that "stuff" matters. I have heard from a few of my readers that we are a "crazy" family (and not in a good tone-I will add)-it really is ok. They (or you) may not understand me-you may judge me by my appearance, you may not appreciate the things I find funny, you may even be offended by my kids having pink hair-but if you really knew me-if you understood all I have gone through to get to this point, you may be more accepting. I never want to hurt anyone, or truly offend people-but some people are going to be offended no matter what you do. So, I am going to live my life, really live my life, appreciating each and every day-knowing it is a gift from God. I can learn to accept differences in other people-but I really wish that everyone could know "what really matters" and what doesn't. I wish you all...the important things in life-family, health, happiness, love...... .

Love like there is no tomorrow

Today we went to the mall-to exchange something at T-mobile. About 3 mins after we got into the T-mobile store, we heard a LOUD "bang!"-then we heard a voice from inside the mall scream "Everybody get out of the mall!". Then there was total chaos! People were screaming, running for the door...the manager of T-mobile was pushing customers into the back employee room, there were people lying on the ground outside, as not to catch a stray bullet! It was a scene straight out of the news-an experience that I will never forget. We ran outside and hid behind the building..then we heard a second "bang"- it was then that we decided to run for our car. The kids were screaming and crying! I was shaking uncontrollably. It was a fear like I have never felt before. We left the mall-the kids just wanted to "go home" and they did not want to even go see the movie that we planned on seeing. Later on-I called the mall to see if it was safe to return, they said that everything was ok, so I went back (alone-I doubt I will ever be able to get the kids to go back to that mall). When I got back to the mall, there were still about 15 police cars there and an ambulance was pulling in. Inside (just outside the t-mobile store) there a bunch of police officers and medical workers talking to a bleeding man. I went to customer service and asked what had happened earlier and they told me that there was a man with a gun-but the "bang" (x2) that we heard was balloons popping. So, I asked why there was a bleeding man and they said that 3 guys with brass knuckles jumped him and beat him up. I am not sure that I believe that the "bang" really was a balloon-it was very loud and it echoed-it was the kind of noise that you can "feel" but none the less, I am grateful that we are all alive and that we stayed together through the incident. I guess it just makes you realize that things like that really do happen, and people do not know what they are walking into-we walked into the mall just like we had every other time, clueless as to what was about to happen. This world is a crazy place and we need to live everyday as though it could be our very last. Love like it may be the last time we can.

Chapman family tragedy

I just wanted to remind everyone to hold up the (Steven Curtis)Chapman family in your prayers. My heart has been heavy for them since I heard about their 5 year old daughter's tragic death. For those who may not have heard, she was in the family's drive way when her teen aged brother accidentally backed his SUV over her. To have their son to be the one who hit her must make the tragedy that much harder and I am sure that there is a lot of feelings of guilt-so please pray for their son-especially. Only God can get this family through this-I pray that they continue to rely on Him as their source of strength. Let this also be a reminder that none of us are promised tomorrow and we need to let those we love so much know exactly how much we love them!

(Maria-in the video-is the little girl that they lost)

Letters from God

Today our pastor preached from Jeremiah 29:11. I thought I would share a story with ya'll about the way God confirmed this scripture in my life one day. I have already told many of you about this but I thought I would share for those who I have not already told. It happened several months ago-I was having a really hard day. I was in so much pain that I could not do even the mundane tasks that were on my list for the day! I tried to go to the grocery store but I had to leave because I was not able to reach and bend to get the things I needed. I was even having a really hard time walking. When I get like this I get so frustrated! I am a independent soul who hates asking for help with ANYthing! I feel like I am just "taking up space" when I am not able to care for myself and I am not able to do what I need to do. Well, this one day that I had to leave the store, was hard for me. I just could not see God leaving me in this place. The scripture Pastor used in his sermon came to me that day and I began to pray it over and over and over again that day. I just kept saying "God, you know the plans that you have for me, they are plans to prosper me and not to harm me, they are plans to give me hope and a future!" I just kept saying that out loud all day and I am began to sing the scripture that says "He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it". I must have repeated those two scriptures hundreds of times! I did not relieve my pain but it gave me HOPE for a better day! Well, I just love the way God confirms things and He speaks to us-the next morning I was obligated to go to a meeting for moms-in that meeting the mothers were doing a craft. They were painting and decorating picture frames. One of the moms there asked if I would like to make one as well. I was still in a lot of pain and I really did not feel like doing it so I said that I would just take the materials home and I would complete it another day. When they finished the frames they passed around a stack of papers-each one had 2 verses on it, they were supposed to pick one and put it in the frame they had just made. Well, I was sitting at the end of the table and once the papers were passed to me I just took the one off the top and passed them to the next person. When I looked down at the scriptures that were on my paper I began to cry. Wouldn't you know it!? Both of the scriptures that I had been praying the day before were printed on that paper! There were only two verses on it-and of all the verses that could have been printed on it BOTH were on the same page ! I felt so relieved that day-I felt like God had heard my cry and that He confirmed that He really does have a plan for my life and I have a future, a hope. It is a sad thing to lose hope-once you have lost it there really is nothing left. That day, God gave me my hope back-I am not healed YET but I have hope that one day I will be and my future is in His hands. I am always humbled when something like that happens-when God-the God of the entire universe, stops to listen to my cry and confirms to me that He hears me. Why is it that we don't cry out more to God? He really is there and He really does hear us!



I never did make that frame but I did come home and put both the scriptures in frames.

The Chronicles of Narnia

Last night, while I was busy ordering pictures (for Maddie's science project-she's going to district!!), Spencer asked me if we could "all watch a movie together" (something about "all watching it together"-which is always the way he asks, makes it more fun). At first I told him "no, not tonight, I am busy right now". Then he asked "well, can I just lay here and watch it and PRETEND that you are watching it too?". OK, he "got me" there and of course I welcomed him up into the bed and we started the movie. He wanted to watch "Narnia"-I have seen this movie at least a dozen times but each time I watch it I get more and more from it! If you have not watched the movie yet, I would HIGHLY recommend that you run out an buy it today! For the longest time I would not let my kids see it because it looked "evil" and I was afraid it would scare them. But this movie is anointed by God and had I only looked into it I would have seen that. The movie is made up of symbolism which depicts the sacrifice that Jesus made for our sins. All my life I was raised in church and I have always heard the story of the cross but honestly, it was not until I saw this movie that I saw vividly that it was Christ's LOVE for me that drove Him to the cross. He did not give Himself just because it was "ordained" for Him to do so but because He LOVED us so much that He could not bear seeing us suffer the punishment we deserved. That may seem so elementary to you-but I guess, seeing it in the movie made it even more clear. Last night I saw another symbol that I had not seen before. It was the scene where Peter was fighting off two of wolves (demons) and "Aslan" (Jesus) came to rescue him but instead he restrained one of the wolves ( he knew Peter could not fight them both) and let Peter fight off the other on his own. Sometimes, when times are hard and we are going through a spiritual battle we may wonder where God is or why He hasn't rescued us but He is still there restraining the enemy and yet letting us grow by still allowing us to fight what He knows we can handle. I am not sure why this movie has captured me the way that it has but I can feel the presence of God each time I watch it. I just wanted to share with you and encourage you to watch the movie-it REALLY is anointed by God!

accepting......what is.

I think that it is really hard to accept your true limitations but yet also push past the limitations that you "think" you have and strive to accomplish more. It scares me to death to think of being complacent and not to be stiving for a much higher goal but, at the same time I am learning that, for now, my body does have real limitations. It frustrates me to NO end, not knowing what I am really capable of and also being afraid to find out. Mostly, I am talking about my physical limitations but really, it can really go much deeper into other areas of our lives as well. My family will all be in Georiga this weekend, celebrating Easter, but I know that I am not able to drive that far-it would only cause more pain and I really would not be able to enjoy myself. But, I feel badly that my kids will be missing out on spending the holiday with their Grandparents and cousins. I sat down and had myself a good cry yesterday over this very thing-when I was done, I stood up and said aloud " I REFUSE to feel sorry for myself!".I thought back to the concert that we just attended-Jeremy Camp recently lost his wife,who was just 21 years old, to cancer-my children may have to miss out on things sometimes, but they still have their mother. I also remembered the blog I wrote on complaints-although, I must add, I have adjusted my feelings slightly on this matter. I feel guilty when I complain or feel sorry for myself or even cry over my situation and I plead with God not to "strike me down" (only half way kidding about that) for the way I feel. Well, yesterday, I realized that God does not mind me crying out to Him as long as I am also thankful for what I do have and I pick myself back up and keep going (without complaining). So, I never meant to minimize another person's (or my own) pain, trials, situation just because there is someone else who has it worse. To the person who is going through the situation-it is very real and often overwelming -but I refuse to stay in that place of self pitty and I refuse to enable another person to stay in that place either. That may seem harsh, but I certainly do not want to end up like the Israelites-walking around in the desert for 40 years complaining-and never getting anywhere. So, while I may continue to have days where I will cry over my situation-I will try harder not to complain-I am ready to get out of the desert and into the promised land!

God's plan for my health

Many of you know that I have been waiting YEARS to get the medical help that I have needed. Well, today, I am excited to report that I am officially covered and I was able to select a plan that pays 100% of everything! No copays-NONE! I am just thankful to God that he has brought me to this place and I am finally going to be getting the answers and the help that I have been waiting for! You know, I am learning to look at life and the circumstances we are in very differently (I say "WE" because when one person in a family is ill it effects the WHOLE family and because my family's trials are not limited to my health issues). I am learning to see our trials -not just as learning experiences, but also as preparation for the days when I will be able to share my stories with other people, who are going through the same things-and I will be able to encourage them and share how God has brought us through it all (in faith). Unless you have been in my shoes, you will never really understand how worthless the world can make you feel-when I was told that I had a tumor but, because I did not have insurance (or the $) I could not even get a biopsy done, I felt like my life meant nothing. Even though I know that to the ones who love me my life is priceless-it did not stop me from feeling so "little". The doctor told me -in front of my children that he would not biopsy the tumor unless I paid for it all upfront-it did not matter that I was a wife, a mother, a human being- my life was worth nothing to them without money. I mention this because-I have experienced it and I know that there are MANY others who are going through the same things and NO ONE will be able to reach them but someone who has been there. My friends and my family tried to encourage me and tell me how much I meant to them but I was the ONLY one with a tumor in my body, and I was the one that did not matter to the world. God has been faithful to me in so many ways-and when I get better (and maybe even WHILE I am getting better) I will be able to bring hope and compassion to others in need. A life without hope is HARD to live-I want to be the one who shares hope in a REAL way. I am so grateful that God opened the doors for me to get the insurance I need and, while I would have rather just been HEALED, I know that HE has a plan for my life and I am learning to trust Him.

Complaints

This morning I met my best friend for coffee and we were talking about everything that is going on in our lives. Though life is often challanging for both of us (in the same ways) we spoke about the blessings that we DO have. We remembered back to a day several months ago when we were sitting at a table with about 6 other mothers-as we sat there, each mom at the table let out her frustrations with life, husbands and children. One mom began to complain about having to go BACK to "All Children's Hospital" the following week to have tubes put into her child's ears (for chronic ear infections) AGAIN! I can TOTALLY relate to this Mom's frustrations as "ACH" has felt like a second home to me many times but, what shocked me was when another mom (new to our group) spoke up and told us that her 5 year old son was currently admitted into that very same hospital. When we ask for more info she explained that her son was dying with cancer! WOW! Here we were all wallowing in our self pitty and this mom just sat quitely and listened to us. That day reaffirmed for me that there is ALWAYS someone else who has it worse than I do. I learned this lesson for the first time when I sat in that hospital holding my baby girl (Madeline) and I got the news that she had suffered a hemmorage in her brain at only 8 days old (after being born with no complications, ON her due date and sent home with a clean bill of health 2 days after she was born). Only a mother would understand the pain that sort of news brings-but I quickly learned that the patient next door to her room (also named Madeline) was dying. When we left the hospital (about a week later) were were warned about the dangers and the complications that her hemmorage could cause. We were told that she may have brain damage (and that only time would tell) and that she may never walk due to ANOTHER / seperate issue with her spinal cord. Praise God that He has brought her through ALL of that (and MUCH more) with NO side effects-in fact, I often tell people thst she heard EVERY word that the doctors spoke over her and she made it up in her mind to defy all of them! She walked at NINE months old (the youngest of all my kids) and she EXCELS in her school! Ok, back to my point-that time was very hard for me but I tried to keep the right perspective knowing that so many moms in that hospital would have loved to switch places with me. Our son, Spencer, was found to be hearing impaired at 2 years old-the ONLY thing that has gotten me through that (and his more recent diagnosis of "auditory proccessing disorder") is remembering back to the days spent with Maddie in the hospital (and Brooke when she had kidney surgery-I told you it felt like a second home for me!) and remembering that life could be MUCH worse. So, when I think about the situation I am in with my health and when the ends do not quite meet at the end of the month I am going to try to remember the blessings in my life-there really are so many!!