Friday, July 17, 2009

Today has been a hectic day...too much to do....not enough time to do it in.....and too worn out! Anyhoo...tomorrow I am shooting a wedding on a yacht......that should be interesting! I have not done a wedding since my back surgery. Weddings are a LOT of work, but I enjoy being a part of such a special day and giving a couple a way to remember their day forever! Thankfully this wedding will only be about 7 hours of shooting, and I can edit from my Dormia next week! I wish I had an assistant to come along and help carry all the equipment!

I can hardly believe that on August 5th I will be ONE YEAR post op!!! Time flys when you are havin' fun....huh? I go for my post op appt on August 3rd. I am feeling a bit nervous about that. I am PRAYING that I am 100% fused so there is NO reason to re-do the surgery!! Last year the surgeon told me that he may remove the screws when I was one year post op.....but unless he feels that it HAS to be done then I am gonna just leave them all alone!! God knows that I do not want to go through that again!!

There has been a WHOOOOOLE lot going on in my life these past few months. My life has been crazy! I am excited about some of the changes, mourning the loss of some things, but confident that I am doing what is best for me and my family at this time. I have learned so much about myself and who I am deep inside. You know what I realize is that I take the blame (or put blame on myself) when I SHOULD be standing up for myself. I always thought I was the type of person who would not let anyone "push me around"....but in reality I have allowed myself to be pushed around most of my life....without even knowing it! I know that there is a time to be respectful, quiet, and gentle....but I have allowed "stuff" to be turned around on me and taken the blame for things that I had every reason to be mad, upset, hurt over. I am REALLY working hard on getting over the "guilt complex" that have carried around my whole life. It is both liberating and devastating. Not everyone wants to hear what I have to say, and NO one wants to take the blame for ANYthing! So, if I give up the guilt.....that means someone else has to face their own "issues" and take responsibility. That is a hard pill to swallow. Does that make sense? Brett has been a huge help with trying to support me through this "journey", he has encouraged me to "let go" of the guilt and he has validated my feelings about many things. I am also grateful for my Pastor's wife, Sister Susan. She has embraced me, she has listened to me and she has been an awesome "sounding board". She has also made me feel validated in MANY things! One day I hope to get to the point where I just trust myself and let go of the guilt and validate myself!
Anyhoo....I really need to take a shower already! I worked out this morning and it is now 3:30 pm and I have still not had time to shower...yuck! I still have lots to get ready for the wedding tomorrow. If you think of it, say a prayer for me!! I will need God's strength and creativity to get through the day!

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