Wednesday, March 19, 2008

accepting......what is.

I think that it is really hard to accept your true limitations but yet also push past the limitations that you "think" you have and strive to accomplish more. It scares me to death to think of being complacent and not to be stiving for a much higher goal but, at the same time I am learning that, for now, my body does have real limitations. It frustrates me to NO end, not knowing what I am really capable of and also being afraid to find out. Mostly, I am talking about my physical limitations but really, it can really go much deeper into other areas of our lives as well. My family will all be in Georiga this weekend, celebrating Easter, but I know that I am not able to drive that far-it would only cause more pain and I really would not be able to enjoy myself. But, I feel badly that my kids will be missing out on spending the holiday with their Grandparents and cousins. I sat down and had myself a good cry yesterday over this very thing-when I was done, I stood up and said aloud " I REFUSE to feel sorry for myself!".I thought back to the concert that we just attended-Jeremy Camp recently lost his wife,who was just 21 years old, to cancer-my children may have to miss out on things sometimes, but they still have their mother. I also remembered the blog I wrote on complaints-although, I must add, I have adjusted my feelings slightly on this matter. I feel guilty when I complain or feel sorry for myself or even cry over my situation and I plead with God not to "strike me down" (only half way kidding about that) for the way I feel. Well, yesterday, I realized that God does not mind me crying out to Him as long as I am also thankful for what I do have and I pick myself back up and keep going (without complaining). So, I never meant to minimize another person's (or my own) pain, trials, situation just because there is someone else who has it worse. To the person who is going through the situation-it is very real and often overwelming -but I refuse to stay in that place of self pitty and I refuse to enable another person to stay in that place either. That may seem harsh, but I certainly do not want to end up like the Israelites-walking around in the desert for 40 years complaining-and never getting anywhere. So, while I may continue to have days where I will cry over my situation-I will try harder not to complain-I am ready to get out of the desert and into the promised land!