This is one of those posts where I am exposing the deepest part of my being....I do not expect everyone to understand it, but I hope that it will be received by the ones who DO understand!
I have been reading a book titled "Free to be thin", it is a Christian based book on weight loss and living a healthy lifestyle. I have been been getting lots of great "nuggets" from it! Anyhoo, I have been trying really hard to analyze why I sometimes make food choices that are harming my body......and often my emotions. Most of the time I seriously think I just love chocolate....and I began questioning if it really IS just "about the food". Well, today I finally came to realize why I love ice cream! It is a sad realization really....but none the less, I felt relieved to finally learn what drives me to the freezer section at the grocery store! Let me back up a little and tell you about my day. This afternoon I began craving ice cream..in a really bad way (with NO hormonal reason :), so I decided to "analyze" what is was that was making me want it so badly. I came up with NOTHING!! I was not emotional, upset, angry.....I just wanted some ice cream....or so I thought. I decided that since I really did not NEED the ice cream, and since I had no cash to BUY the ice cream, that I would just take a nap and hope the feeling passed. I woke up 2 times in the middle of my nap.....wondering if there really could be a reason behind intense craving. Still.....nothing. When I woke up I STILL wanted ice cream...the really good kind.....Edy's "loaded"...(yum!). I decided that I would take a bath...and hope for the craving to pass (it has been a lazy saturday). While in the bath I continued to ask God if there really was a hidden reason that was causing me to want to run to the store and buy out every carton of ice cream they have! FINALLY! It hit me! I was reminded of a time, when Brooke was just a baby......Brett and I barely had enough money for food, so anything extra.....even so much as a pack of gum......was just a luxury! One day, I went to my parent's house, I opened the freezer to get some ice......and I saw TWO cartons of ice cream! I had a breakdown...seriously! I got myself a bowl, filled it up and cried as I ate my ice cream.....seriously! I think that remembering a time in my life when buying ice cream would not cause some sort of financial devastation was just too much for me process at that moment. I really think that from that moment on, having ice cream meant we had "enough". I was upset yesterday about not having enough money to register the kids for the YMCA fishing tournament....it doesn't cost that much....but the money is just not there. I had a little "conversation" with God....I asked Him why it seemed like we need an honest to goodness "act of God" to get our needs....and in this case, our "wants".... met. After I had my "pity party" I picked myself up and went about my day......still not understanding God's ways...but choosing to trust Him anyway. So...I guess I said all that to say this... I realized that, for me, ice cream stands for so much more than just a bowl of frozen heaven ;)......it means that there is "enough". I decided that I really did not want the ice cream....as much as I wanted the comfort of knowing that I could have it.
I have wondered why I choose to make myself so vulnerable on this blog......I have always said it was because I do not want to "waste" any experience by not sharing it with someone who may benefit from it. I still question if I am doing the right thing by being so open......none the less......
I have learned so much about myself over the past several months...through many (MANY!) tears and series of devestating events. I learned a lot about why I do some of the things I do and why I feel the way that I feel, in the deepest parts of me. I have found such freedom in knowing why, for instance, I often display anger...when really I am just hurt. I have reconciled myself with issues in my past, I have finally accepted some things that I have fought accepting for years and I can finally say that I look forward to living my life........ honestly.
I hope that this has made sense to someone "out there".......if it didn't make sense to you....just know that it must not have been meant for your "ears".