This is one of those posts where I am exposing the deepest part of my being....I do not expect everyone to understand it, but I hope that it will be received by the ones who DO understand!
I have been reading a book titled "Free to be thin", it is a Christian based book on weight loss and living a healthy lifestyle. I have been been getting lots of great "nuggets" from it! Anyhoo, I have been trying really hard to analyze why I sometimes make food choices that are harming my body......and often my emotions. Most of the time I seriously think I just love chocolate....and I began questioning if it really IS just "about the food". Well, today I finally came to realize why I love ice cream! It is a sad realization really....but none the less, I felt relieved to finally learn what drives me to the freezer section at the grocery store! Let me back up a little and tell you about my day. This afternoon I began craving ice cream..in a really bad way (with NO hormonal reason :), so I decided to "analyze" what is was that was making me want it so badly. I came up with NOTHING!! I was not emotional, upset, angry.....I just wanted some ice cream....or so I thought. I decided that since I really did not NEED the ice cream, and since I had no cash to BUY the ice cream, that I would just take a nap and hope the feeling passed. I woke up 2 times in the middle of my nap.....wondering if there really could be a reason behind intense craving. Still.....nothing. When I woke up I STILL wanted ice cream...the really good kind.....Edy's "loaded"...(yum!). I decided that I would take a bath...and hope for the craving to pass (it has been a lazy saturday). While in the bath I continued to ask God if there really was a hidden reason that was causing me to want to run to the store and buy out every carton of ice cream they have! FINALLY! It hit me! I was reminded of a time, when Brooke was just a baby......Brett and I barely had enough money for food, so anything extra.....even so much as a pack of gum......was just a luxury! One day, I went to my parent's house, I opened the freezer to get some ice......and I saw TWO cartons of ice cream! I had a breakdown...seriously! I got myself a bowl, filled it up and cried as I ate my ice cream.....seriously! I think that remembering a time in my life when buying ice cream would not cause some sort of financial devastation was just too much for me process at that moment. I really think that from that moment on, having ice cream meant we had "enough". I was upset yesterday about not having enough money to register the kids for the YMCA fishing tournament....it doesn't cost that much....but the money is just not there. I had a little "conversation" with God....I asked Him why it seemed like we need an honest to goodness "act of God" to get our needs....and in this case, our "wants".... met. After I had my "pity party" I picked myself up and went about my day......still not understanding God's ways...but choosing to trust Him anyway. So...I guess I said all that to say this... I realized that, for me, ice cream stands for so much more than just a bowl of frozen heaven ;)......it means that there is "enough". I decided that I really did not want the ice cream....as much as I wanted the comfort of knowing that I could have it.
I have wondered why I choose to make myself so vulnerable on this blog......I have always said it was because I do not want to "waste" any experience by not sharing it with someone who may benefit from it. I still question if I am doing the right thing by being so open......none the less......
I have learned so much about myself over the past several months...through many (MANY!) tears and series of devestating events. I learned a lot about why I do some of the things I do and why I feel the way that I feel, in the deepest parts of me. I have found such freedom in knowing why, for instance, I often display anger...when really I am just hurt. I have reconciled myself with issues in my past, I have finally accepted some things that I have fought accepting for years and I can finally say that I look forward to living my life........ honestly.
I hope that this has made sense to someone "out there".......if it didn't make sense to you....just know that it must not have been meant for your "ears".
Saturday, June 13, 2009
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